well, i think i would like to keep it at that..hehe

for once, i will look at this entry knowing that something good is actually happening despite it all...:)

im really stupid today.

i feel that the signs im afraid of have just shown their ugly heads out for me to sense a real bad omen. oh duh. i really hate it when forget things even though it was just there a minute or so. like ur holding this book and a minute its gone and u cant seem to locate it and u cant seem to trace where uv gone.. not just things but sometimes things ive planned out goes totalle berserk and i end up forgetting it. they say ocassional fits of memory loss is an early sign of alzheimers disease. believe me this is something serious, i cant even imagine it. im one the verge of crying believe me.

just today, i lost a very important hanky. u ever got that feeling where you really knew where you dropped a thing and when u come back for it, it doesnt seem to be there.. believe i traded sweat and tears but to not avail. yesterday i lost a # 3 barpin. our relationship was very short lived i bought it just a week ago, and i knew it fell on the jeep i rode home. again, have u ever got that feeling that ur are just so connected to a thing, u cant believe you'll lose it? like its a semblance of urself, a continuation of your life. i just lost it. my God. huhuhu.

and the curtain falls indeed.

by now its officially four days to go before bidding goodbye to 2004 and 4 days to saying cock-a-doodle-doo to Mr. Rooster. aside from endless bickering, the two TV biggies, with their self-righteous news outfits, will be racing against ratings as they feature their own version of the 2004 yearender (i dunno but GMA's 24 thingy has got me looking forward). well, they always do that,aside from the many traditions that promise to stay time immemorial, we Filipinos love to look at the past, whcih explains maybe why we can't help but dwell on it also.

well it sure helps. i recall charles dickens' a christmas carol's ebenezer scrooge who was helped by three ghosts to revitalize the christmas spirit in him. one of the ghost was "the ghost from your christmas past". what a ghost. for sure, it doesnt look scary enough. but sometimes though, our past scares us, haunt us, and believe me it will be scarier than all the monsters from your mind and all the creeps in horror stories you knew. scrooge with the help of the ghost from the christmas past realize that the thing that haunts him is the thing that would set him free. and it sure helps that once in a while we look at the things that happened in the past, not to dwell on the pain it gave but to learn from it. from the pain. from the seem-to-be inescapable reality of failures.

so i thought of doing a yearender myself. ok, i will spare you from agony. im not gonna do an autobiography, ok. just a breeze of the things that transpired this year. things that will randomly pop out of my cranium and straight to the computer. maybe ill be forgetting some, but heck, this is as i said random and havent prepared it as if im going to pass it for some deadline. theres the gunshot and i guess i beter start the marathon.

heh, who could escape FPJs death. it was untimely as the news said, but celebrity or not, whats the big deal, we are all gonna die. its just that his was more lavish and hyped up. the issue is not his death, nor making him a national artist, nor the revived protest on GMAs cheating the elections. its just makes me chuckle with wonder how, with the icon that is FPJ, the marriage of politics and entertainment is so epitomized. ok, so lets call showbiz. when you look at the endless political bickerings, you could not help but be entertained. remember when tessie aquino oreta danced the "thanksgiving dance of the Ugululu tribe" when the envelope that contained evidence against Erap was not opened. now imagine yourself, still in front of the boob tube, and looking at Cherie Gil unleash the crap out in Marina. whats the difference? im sure you got to see GMA waving during the campaings. now look at, juday or claudine, or perhaps and sandara and hero during their fans day. see...

as i say, theres that element of wonder. this year, i got to see many politicos, some i handshook or just given a nod. thanks to the perks i got. theres that shimmer in them that you just cant explain draws you to whatever charisma they have. speaking of FPJ, i should have met him once when i went along with a friend who's working at the Phil. Star for an interview. i was hesitant then thinking it might be awkward esp. with the venue of the interview which was grand regal hotel. of course, how could i expect too much! she interviewed FPJs chief legal adviser instead (i cant believe his escapes me now), and he was such an amusing man. he was so modest that when we order three slices of pizza, he gave us three boxes of it instead. the whole time i was just sitting in front of them in the table, amused. which lets me recall another encounter. this time with presidential adviser for mindanao affairs jesus dureza. i did not it at first. i came there with an invitation from medco, because the staff were presenting a dance number which i choreographed. heck, his whole lot was there and i was shocked i could not even muster enough courage to dance in front. when i went home, i cant help but thinking the other instances when i met kiko pangilinan, winnie monsod, raul roco and nene pimentel whom i have taken a picture with. its just so ironic, that though i loathe politics, i am bathing in the same limelight and get drawn to may instances with these people. am i seeing a prophecy here? Lord, no.

during the b-day party (of dureza), a band was playing oldies tunes. with every 'hirit' of the vocalist and the guitarist that we young ones dismiss as corny, i cant help but be amused (again). if the band was keen enough, the performance wwas sure to be punctuated with a lot of low bellows from me and haughty smirks that i and the medco people did. but that amusement later turned into wonder (again) because i must admit that though it was an era ago (' i cant stop loving you... ') it was melodious and the different singers sang like pros. as if they were competing in tawag ng tanghalan. sure guys, this might not be their time, but they still know how to have a good time, and we might have a lot to learn from our elders than we think.

i was the youngest in the table, but i was the only one who grabbed a beer when it was offered to me by the waiter, with a tenacity of a hard-drinker. after finishing that bottle, it came to me that this year i drank a lot booze that ever before. in parties, gimmicks, reunions and what have you's. i hate to equate booze with maturity but my growing tummy cannot escape such mutuality. groan.

wisdom though, im thankful. i will be entering into adult life. no choice. believe me, sometimes i want to return to my high school or better yet to my childhood where everything was ok. when problems are non-existent. when everything was as simple as memorizing your favorite nursery rhyme. where playing was all that mattered. now, you cant just play around. you have to learn to play well. and thats when it gets too serious. childishness is inescapable. i always resort to that sometimes with crying, blaming, and acting as if everybodyhas made a fool out of me, like in a game of hide and seek. but although its there, it doesnt mean you cant grow up. sometimes i ask my friends if they see me as childish. most of the time, they see me otherwise. and this helps me to be more mature and respnsible because sometimes i really dont know. sure i have grown up, but there were so many things i wanted to relinquish. but i realize that its beyond my capacity. so i just move on. theres this book which showed that we have got much to learn with eensy-winsy spider. "down came the rain and wash the spider out"...but as soon as it dried up the ground the spider went on its way for another adventure. i would like to think that i have grown stronger and hopefully faithful. few people really knew what i went through, and when they say 'binigay sa'yo ni Lord yan, kasi kung sa iba siguradong di nila kakayanin. Ikaw kaya mo.' that totally jolted me out of my senses. i stopped blaming the heavens and accepted life as it is. God's promises has kept me hanging and holding on.

its easier to return to sanity when you know you can grab somebody's hand to be their with you. when you're alone the thought of friendship, even though its not visible keeps you sane. i realized that im so lucky that i never can recall a single instance that ive lost a friendship. heck i cant even recall a single fight with any person i know. some may have gotten cold but i was glad enough that this year some have rekindled the flame. its good to know that despite the distance and the time apart, you are remembered.

yesterday, i loitered around the city alone. sometimes, you have to spend time with yourself to appreciate what you've got. you never get to do that when you're in a company with a lot of people. you discover a lot. youll learn too. i was breezing though cards and i came across a thought that struck me a lot. "Gratitude is a memory of the heart'. and the heart never forgets. while loitering around, still feeling the Christmas chill, i am glad that i am able to see past through the superficial shining-shimmering of the Christmas lights. despite nothingness, there is still gratitude. and despite poverty, im still grateful. while i was walking, riding jeeps, memories flooded like Typhoon Winnie and Yoyong. and with every passing memory i relished was a taste of gratitude. for sure i will never forget. and with that, i will always remain.

(there's this thing called mental exhaustion brought about by facing radiation-blown PC and not wearing glasses. theres this thing called running out of things to say. there's this thing called rest. and most of all there's this thing called time-is-running-out-your- little something-cant-afford. and with this ill see you later. oh, perhaps next year..with New year resolutions i guess.hehehehe...;p)

mis ko na 'to. ung parating bumibisita sa blog ko. in the next month of the next year mabi-busy na namn ako kaya susulitin ko nlng.. alam kung namiss din ako ng blog ko. ehehehe.

sinisipon ako ngayon. nope worse than that feel ko may allergic renitis ako. the thing when u get to inhale even just a little bit of dust to the nth time kana kung mag-hatsing. nakakainins tlaga. d oder day sinamahan ko kaibgan ko mag grocery at nakaamoy ako ng samut saring amoy ng mga sabon, tuyo at kung anu-ano pa.. muntik na akong layuan ng kaibgan ko sa dami ng nahatsing ko..ehehehe. even up to now my nose is still running. nakakairita. i cant find the mood to even jumpstart my article. aabutin na 'to ng pasko. hay, wag naman.

ang saya. wala akong klase ngayon.

ala lng. feel ko lng po pala mag-tagalog ngayon. epekto nung huling sabado. tuwing sabado kasi may klase na ako. greek philosophy, ah mali sinaunanggriyego pala. nung sabado ang una naming pagtatagpo sa klase at nahuli pa talaga ako ng 45 minuto. tumawa tuloy ang aming propesor at sinabihan ako ng magandang umaga na mala-alex compton ang tono habang nagtitimpla ng kapeng may coffeemate. eh di grand entrance po ang drama ko sabay tingin ng lahat ng tao sa silid. eh kasi siyam lng namn kami pano di ako mapapansin dba..

bakit ko damang-dama ang aking pagka-Pilipino? hehe. eh kasi nman po, ako ay talagang nabighani sa diskusyon namin sa klaseng yaon. pano kasi ang medium of instruction ay tagalog. teka pano ko ba yan tatagalugin..ah! wikang gamit sa pagtuturo? hehe. si Sir Bong ay talagang napakahusay managalog. biruin mo, halos tatlong oras siyang nagsalita at ni isang katagang Ingles eh wala akong narinig na lumabas sa kanyang bibig. animo'y nagbibigkas ng tula na gawa ni Balagtas. lalo pang pinaigting ang kahusayan niya sa mga paksang tinalakay namin. ang kahalagahan ng wika sa pag-aaral ng pilosopiya. hooh grabe na talaga 'to. todo na.

bago nga pala akong gupit ngayon kaya medyo ganado. hehe.

quarter life crisis

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you
stop going along with the crowd and start realizing
that there a lot of things about yuorself thast you
didn't know and may not like. You stat feeling
insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or
twom but then get scared because you barely
know whre you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe, those friends that you thought you were so
close to aren't exactly the greatest people you
have ever met and the people you have lost in
touch with are are some of the most important
ones. What you do not realize is that they are
realizing this too and are not really cold, catty, or
mean and insecure, but that they are as confused
as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what
you thought you could be doing or maybe you are
looking for one and realizing that you are going to
have o start at the bottom and are scared. You
miss the comforts of college, groups, of
socializing, with the same people on a constant
basis. But then you realize that maybe they
weren't
so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what
you want and do not want. Your opinions have
gotten stronger. You see others are doing and find
yourself judging a bit more than usual because
suddenly you realize tht you have certain
boundaries in your life and add things to your list
of what is acceptabble and what is not. You are
insecure and then secure.

You laugh, and cry with the greatest force of your
life. You feel alone and scared and confused.
Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and
cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize
that the past is drifting further and further away and
there is nothing to do but stay where you are or
move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how
someone you love could do such damage to you
or lay in bed and wonder whay you can't meet
anyone decent enough to get to know better. You
love someone but maybe love someone else too,
and cannot figure out why you are doing this
because you are not a bad person. One night
stands and random hook ups start to look cheap,
and getting wasted and acting like idiots starts to
look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions
over and over and talk with your friends about the
same topics because you cannot seem to make a
decision. You worry about loans and money and
the future and making a ife for yourself and while
winning the race would be great, right now you'd
just be a contender! What you may not realize is
that evreyone reading this relates to it. We are in
our nest of times and our worst of times, trying as
hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

GREAT MINDS DISCUSS IDEAS, Average
minds discuss events, small minds discuss
people.

The only graceful way to accept an insult is to
ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top
it, laugh at it! And if you can't laugh, you probably
deserve it.

When life throws you lemons, make lemonade.
When life gives you scrap, make quilts. Life is
10% what happens to you, and 90% on how you
respond to it.................

(FORWARDED)

rainy days on mondays always gets me down..or as the song goes..i dont know why there is a certain gloom hovering over rainy mondays..it must've been one of those inexpicable phenomena of our universe..hehehe.

the sky is gloomy, and i guess so is the entire day too.today's all saints day and we pay homage to our dearly departed. i visited my mom while ago.. and said to her the many things i want to say in solitude and silence.

theres just so many indescribable stuff that i cant seem to spell it out..

deja vu.

nope. im not gonna confess anything.

its just another one of those stupid nothings..hehehe.

sembreak na daw.officially.arrghhh.more anxiety.filling up every recess of my brain.

my blog has recently becoming a monthly journal of sorts, considering the frequency of my visits..hay naku, ganito na ba talaga ang in lab..so here goes my incantation of sorts...nope, poetic nothings pala...

"love, why do thee perturb thy heart, yet inspires thy soul..."

o akin yan ah, orig yan..wala lng inspired lang kc. total hindi nman nyah to nababasa..

a pinoy has recently added me to his friend list and it suddenly occured to me, that it always comes with a great amazement and awe that two pinoys or pinoys generally find themselves in a cyberhub like this. i guess it proves that our fluency or if not spontaneity with the english language is almost undistinguishable to the point of superfluousness. magaling tayo in short. hehe. nope, hindi to vindication but mere empirical observation.

that is why the necessity na i guess minsan din we should speak tagalog din para makilala tayo ng ibang kababayan natin..

as the song goes,,, HOY! PINOY AKO!! (where did that come from?)

this is in response to my friend roan who insist that the sole reason i was not able to post a single blog in 48 years is the fact that i am in the state of emotional ecstasy. uhmm... yeah? hehe.

it saddens me, but as much as i want to, time constraints po ang tunay na dahilan. its nearly two in the morning, and theres a looming litany of sermons awaiting me..while i have them suspended i am preparing my own litany of sorts, litany of alibis..really i am doing a clean job out here despite the fact that im out in the streets at this point in time.

tomorrow's the much awaited defense of our thesis. it has been a while since i was endlessly blabbing of the preoccupation i have with such undertaking and now, it all boils down to two words: accept or reject. we're pretty confident its the former.

ok..enough. back to reality baby.

love,

why does it perturb the heart?

thats what i munched a few minutes ago..nope it didnt satiate any hunger, but only added to a chunkful of fats in my ever increasing, bulging tummy. hehe. most of the fats were a contribution of the overflowing booze last kadayawan.. hehe.. feel ko talaga tumaba ako,..

eh, grabeh nman kasi nung kadayawan..nasa tapat lng ng ateneo yung party.ehdi after class dun agad dretso lhat ng mga tao..syenpre since fiesta mood, nsa mood din ang mga tao manlibre..

just a while ago, i saw 3 of my classmates palabas ng internet..and yes u bet thesis po ang preoccupation nila. ah yah thesis, whole day ako sa lib because of that. near end nman kami ng partner ko. RRL nlng tinatrabaho...pero as usual ma-trabaho parin siya. at least now its getting clear to me the direction were heading. hehehe.

iba tlaga pag my inspiration, kahit na ang bigat-bigat ng mga burden nakakaya mo as if youre lifting a feather..hehe.